Tuesday, July 14, 2009

#21 Fruit Flies

If I had to wish one thing on my mortal enemy it wouldn't be Swine Flu or watching the same episode of "I Love Lucy" for all eternity or even having to eat horse shit for a lifetime. Nope. None of the above. It would undoubtedly be having to co-habitate an office full of fruit flies.

We won't go into details about how, because that would lead to discussion of rotten bananas and office cleanliness. So we'll leave it at this, I have an office cohabitant. More like 50.

Experts say that fruit flies have a tremendously short life span. Just under a week is the typical life expectancy. They must fuck like rabbits cause we're going on a month now straight with these bastards buzzing about.

Fruit flies land on everything you don't want them to, your food, your drink, your nose. They buzz your eyeballs and crawl on your monitor. They're fast as hell, probably not capable of flying in a straight line, yet I'm damn proud to say I've killed five with my bare hands. You may not be impressed. Which is understandable. But for your sake, go ahead and check out the scale in the above photo. Yeah, these guys are small. And being able to see them is a feat alone.

I guess the most irritating fact about the fruit fly is that it's my fault they're cohabitating this office.

But a bunch of little bugs aren't gonna stop me from eating bananas.

That's what she said...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

#20 Twitter

A couple things. For those of you that have been religiously following this blog, we are no longer limiting ourselves to content found explicitly on Wikipedia. We figure we shouldn't hold ourselves back, and we're sure you agree. So, adding to all the other unoriginal poser-comedy websites out there (failblog.org, stuff white people like, awkward family photos and texts from last night [to name a few]), we'll be pulling more nonsensical content from more places.

Like Twitter. Which, like every other knob-gobbling 'social media guru' or 'social media guru in training,' Wiki_Wha has impregnated as well. Welcome to the future.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

#19 Google Analytics

Does it creep you out that the word 'analytics' contains the word 'anal' in it?  Well it sure creeps us out.

A few months ago we installed Google Analytics on Wiki-Wha? to see how many people actually visit this page after we realized that bullshit counter thingy isn't worth a bit of anything.  

It's fascinating to see how many people visit this blog.  It's also fascinating to see how much time people don't spend reading this blog, where the average visit lasts a whopping 23 seconds.  We aren't harping on people stopping by for quickies, don't get us wrong, but 23 seconds???  C'mon readers....this is some of the best free entertainment for miles (we realize there's no such thing as free, but we can dream), and, we're happy you stopped by to check things out - whether you meant to or not.

Either way, if you've got a website, blog or are just a plain geek, check out this Analytics program from Google (also free) and get psyched to see how many people don't visit your site.  Once you get everything set up and tracking on your page be sure to check out where people are visiting from - like, we've got visitors from Australia.  Now that's some neat stuff, mate!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

#18 Synergy

Just like everything else in today's world, someone who felt they were brighter, smarter and technically superior to the rest of us (and had some working knowledge of the Greek language) had to come up with a fancy way of saying "let's work together."

Congratulations, buddy, you've accomplished basically nothing as the phrase "let's work together" was doing a perfect job of getting the point across before you came along with your fancy, uppity speak.  

Synergize this.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

#17 Behold - Dickipedia

Your a dick, we're a dick....seems like today everyone is a dick, in some form or another.  

Ok - maybe that was a little harsh.  NOT.  

Richards?  Are you there???  Again, we digress.  Moving on!

We've all got a little bit of a dick inside us, and this wonderful off-shoot inspired by the mothership that is Wikipedia chronicles the who's who of dicks in the public sector, past and present alike.  You would think that it would be made obvious through the social media outlets, news and other, worthier blogs than this, who the societal dicks of today are; but it's great to be able to  see all of the biggest dicks out there in one place - Dickipedia.

Also, be sure to check out the "random page" link from the main menu for a Russian Roulette style of thumbing through the dicks.

Friday, April 3, 2009

#16 Spuds MacKenzie

In the late 80's, a time of sorrow and pain, a time with no class, no style, nothing. One little Bull Terrier was there to rescue us.

I give you the single greatest advertising bone (no pun intended) ever thrown to beer drinkers— Spuds Mackenzie.

This "happenin' dude" was first bequeathed upon us during a Super Bowl ad. By the end of the game, the little pooch was a marketing legend.

Alas, Spuds was not without his naysayer's. In 1992, the Center for Science in the Public Interest, along with Mothers Against Drunk Driving, charged that Anheuser-Busch was pitching the dog to children. However, the mighty Spuds rose again in victory as the Federal Trade Commision found no evidence to support that allegation. Unfortunately, the ads were dropped anyways.

Here's a little known and unfortunate fact, Spuds was actually a bitch.

I know. I know. I feel like less of a man as well.

Nonetheless, here's to Spuds. This Bud's on me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

#15 Waffle House

"Dude, let's get some Waffle House."

Have those words ever been spoken by an individual not under the spell of demon alcohol, or for that matter any "performance enhancer?"

I choose (read: hope) to believe they have not.

You see, Waffle House claims to be the world’s leading server of waffles, T-bone steaks, omelets, cheese 'n eggs, USDA Choice hamburgers, country ham, pork chops, grits, hashbrowns, cheesesteaks, patty melts, raisin toast, apple butter, and Heinz Traditional Steak Sauce. I think, for one, that the term "world's leader" should be inspected more thoroughly.

So, who wants to grab a T-Bone Steak from an establishment made "famous" for their waffles?

Give me a hangover, and I'll show you.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

#14 Grinding

This ish is crazy. Remember when, like, back in high school and middle school and Catholic school, how grinding always got a bad rap? I know, so do we. With collaborative inspiration from our guest ideator, Crazy KC, we bring you some tips on how to make grinding less taboo:

First things first, grinding is like Fight Club - you don't talk about it. Keep in mind that many people may not be comfortable grinding with someone they do not know. If the person takes notice of you, and acknowledges you, approach them and ask if they'd like to dance. If that goes well, move in for the grind; and don't look back.

Also important to note is that the person dancing in the rear should not keep a cell phone or wallet in a front pocket – girls may get the wrong idea. Move your phone or wallet to your back pocket.

Guys may experience an erection while grinding. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, try these things:
- Bend your knees so that the bottom of your stomach is the area getting the most friction.
- Turn so that they are grinding your knee.
- If repositioning does not work, you may want to excuse yourself for a few minutes to let things settle down.
- If all else fails "pull up and tuck."

Inspiration for this WikiWha post has been pulled from the fodder found at WikiHow, a subsidiary site of Wikipedia.

Also, yes, that's our boy, Tom Cruise grinding on Katie Holmes.